{"id":1300,"date":"2013-02-19T07:40:26","date_gmt":"2013-02-19T07:40:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/personalpolishing.wordpress.com\/?p=1300"},"modified":"2014-08-23T16:35:59","modified_gmt":"2014-08-23T16:35:59","slug":"have-more-fun-in-bed-all-it-takes-is-some-sexual-intelligence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/leadershipshape.com\/wardroom\/have-more-fun-in-bed-all-it-takes-is-some-sexual-intelligence\/","title":{"rendered":"Have More Fun in Bed! All It Takes Is Some Sexual Intelligence\u00e2\u0080\u00a6"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Carole Jackson<\/strong>, Bottom Line Health<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

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Are you sexually satisfied? For so many people, sex is more a source of anxiety than pleasure. Instead of bringing them closer to their partners, sex often makes them feel inadequate, perhaps due to concerns about their aging bodies. They look back nostalgically to a time when sex was satisfying and give a sigh, thinking that it\u00e2\u0080\u0099s just something else you lose as the years pass.<\/p>\n

But things could be very different. What really helps is a bit of intelligence\u00e2\u0080\u0094sexual intelligence.<\/p>\n

Here\u00e2\u0080\u0099s what that means\u00e2\u0080\u00a6<\/em><\/p>\n

KEEPING UP WITH CHANGE<\/h4>\n

On TV and the Internet and in magazines and movies, we are surrounded by youthful, sexy people. Sex is portrayed as mind-blowing, athletic and amazing. We\u00e2\u0080\u0099re conditioned to think that\u00e2\u0080\u0099s the way all sex is supposed to be.<\/p>\n

But as we grow older, our bodies\u00e2\u0080\u0094and our lives\u00e2\u0080\u0094change. Also, factors such as medication use, chronic pain, familiarity with your partner and accumulated resentments can reduce libido during this phase of life.<\/p>\n

So it makes sense that sex will be different during middle age and beyond. It may be difficult to adjust expectations, but the way to change your sex life is to change your\u00c2\u00a0ideas<\/em>about sex.<\/p>\n

SEXUAL STATIC<\/h4>\n

It\u00e2\u0080\u0099s a given that most people want pleasure and closeness from sex.\u00c2\u00a0But many focus on other things altogether\u00e2\u0080\u00a6<\/em><\/p>\n

How am I doing?\u00c2\u00a0<\/strong>It is very easy to equate sex with performance. This can mean constant self-evaluation. Is my erection as firm as it should be? Will it last? Am I attractive or skillful enough?<\/p>\n

Is this normal?<\/strong>\u00c2\u00a0People may think,\u00c2\u00a0I like this, but is it morally acceptable?<\/em>\u00c2\u00a0Unlike most activities they do for enjoyment, they may worry that their tastes in sex show them to be bad or wrong.<\/p>\n

With all these anxieties, how much pleasure and closeness are people likely to experience when having sex?<\/p>\n

AN INTELLIGENT SOLUTION<\/h4>\n

To have satisfying sexual experiences, you don\u00e2\u0080\u0099t need to be a hotshot in bed. You need a combination of emotional skills and physical awareness, both of which are essential to sexual intelligence.<\/p>\n

Partners must be patient and sensitive to each other\u00e2\u0080\u0099s feelings and keep any disappointment in perspective.<\/p>\n

Physical awareness includes understanding how your own body and your partner\u00e2\u0080\u0099s body have changed over time. What are your bodies still capable of doing, and what can\u00e2\u0080\u0099t they do anymore? It means knowing what makes you and your partner feel good\u00e2\u0080\u0094where you both like to be touched, how you both enjoy being kissed, what aids are preferred. Sexual intelligence means accommodating these preferences, whenever possible, with good humor.<\/p>\n

Important:\u00c2\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>Remember that emotional skills and physical awareness typically are more central to good sex than sexual technique.<\/p>\n

BE IN THE MOMENT<\/h4>\n

Many people get into the habit of having sex while thinking about something else entirely. This undermines pleasure and intimacy.<\/p>\n

Much better:<\/em><\/strong>\u00c2\u00a0Focus on the physical sensations. What specifically are you feeling in your arms, legs, genitals, fingertips? What do you smell and taste?<\/p>\n

Soak up the emotional experience, too. Feel the pleasure, relaxation, excitement and fun. Also feel the closeness to your\u00c2\u00a0partner<\/em>. If you\u00e2\u0080\u0099re anxious, worried or rushed, notice that, too, but don\u00e2\u0080\u0099t judge or analyze the feeling then. Set it aside to think about or talk about later. Bringing your attention back to the moment is helpful when you start to worry about your performance or appearance or what your partner is thinking. More self-acceptance and less self-criticism often enhances libido.<\/p>\n

DON\u00e2\u0080\u0099T BE SHY<\/h4>\n

For better communication, you must view the person you have sex with as a\u00c2\u00a0partner<\/em>rather than as a critic or judge. Since this person is your partner, you shouldn\u00e2\u0080\u0099t feel reluctant to ask for what you would like in bed.\u00c2\u00a0Even better:<\/em>\u00c2\u00a0Show your partner how you would like to be touched. And if something feels good, say so (and do it with a whisper\u00e2\u0080\u0094it\u00e2\u0080\u0099s sexier).<\/p>\n

Take time to discuss your sexual relationship. It may feel awkward at first, but talking about performance anxiety is the best way to get past it. Also, this is the time to discuss with your partner anything new that you would like to try. And, if there is anything that you definitely\u00c2\u00a0don\u00e2\u0080\u0099t\u00c2\u00a0<\/em>want to do again, make this clear. During this discussion, work out details, such as preferred time for sex (some people like the morning, others the night), place and even room temperature. Since initiating sex is a problem for many couples, discuss signals to use when one of you could be in the mood.<\/p>\n

WHAT IS SEX, ANYWAY?<\/h4>\n

Most people consider \u00e2\u0080\u009csex\u00e2\u0080\u009d to be intercourse. This thinking is unfortunate. There are drawbacks to intercourse that can make it inconvenient, ill-advised or even impossible. It requires an erect penis and lubricated vagina\u00e2\u0080\u00a6it\u00e2\u0080\u0099s difficult for people with various physical problems\u00e2\u0080\u00a6chronic pain can make it uncomfortable\u00e2\u0080\u00a6and it\u00e2\u0080\u0099s not an effective way to have an orgasm for many women.<\/p>\n

Speaking of orgasms\u00e2\u0080\u0094they probably get a good deal more attention than they merit. An orgasm is quite pleasant, but it lasts maybe five seconds during a sexual encounter that might be 20 minutes or more.<\/p>\n

Consider that sex can be satisfying without\u00c2\u00a0intercourse<\/em>\u00c2\u00a0and\u00c2\u00a0without orgasm<\/em>. A broader range of physically and emotionally gratifying activities\u00e2\u0080\u0094oral sex, manual stimulation of body parts you may have ignored, watching each other masturbate, etc.\u00e2\u0080\u0094are all options.<\/p>\n

SIMPLE QUESTIONS TO ASK<\/h4>\n

In fact, you can think of sex in the same way you would think of other things you do with your partner. Was it enjoyable? Did you feel close to each other? How can you make it even better next time? In this spirit, you\u00e2\u0080\u0099re less likely to worry about success or failure and more likely to appreciate the rich range of experiences sex has to offer.<\/p>\n

A couple should consider seeing a sex therapist if either or both have trouble discussing a sexual issue. To find a sex therapist, check with your doctor or consult the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists,\u00c2\u00a0www.aasect.org<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Source:<\/strong>\u00c2\u00a0Marty Klein, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist in Palo Alto, California. He is the author of seven books, including most recently\u00c2\u00a0Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex and How to Get It<\/em><\/a>(HarperOne).\u00c2\u00a0www.MartyKlein.com<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Carole Jackson, Bottom Line Health Are you sexually satisfied? For so many people, sex is more a source of anxiety than pleasure. Instead of bringing them closer to their partners, sex often makes them feel inadequate, perhaps due to concerns about their aging bodies. They look back nostalgically to a time when sex was … Continue reading Have More Fun in Bed! All It Takes Is Some Sexual Intelligence\u00e2\u0080\u00a6<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"pmpro_default_level":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1300","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","pmpro-has-access"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4MGMb-kY","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/leadershipshape.com\/wardroom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1300","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/leadershipshape.com\/wardroom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/leadershipshape.com\/wardroom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/leadershipshape.com\/wardroom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/leadershipshape.com\/wardroom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1300"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/leadershipshape.com\/wardroom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1300\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1361,"href":"https:\/\/leadershipshape.com\/wardroom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1300\/revisions\/1361"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/leadershipshape.com\/wardroom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1300"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/leadershipshape.com\/wardroom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1300"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/leadershipshape.com\/wardroom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1300"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}